I love you, Grandma. RIP

Grandma,
You been dead for five days. I just got an e-mail about it. That must one of the hardest ways to hear depressing news. Having to read it. How impersonal. I thank God my mother was there for you so you didn't die alone. You could die knowing you were loved, held and comforted. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry I didn't even know you or anything about you. We were virtual strangers. You were the last grandparent I had left. Maybe that's why it hurts so godamn bad right know. As I'm ytyping right know, the tears are spilling on the keyboard. Me. The tuff badass who believes crying is a sign of weakeness and is digusted by people crying, is bawling their head off.At least when your close to someone, you have memories of them after they die to help you get through the grief. I have nothing, just grief and an overwhelming amount of pain. I want top go get fucked up so fucking bad. God it hurts. I am so sorry I was never close to you. I am so thankful I got to see you one last time and tell you I loved you. The last thing I said was I love. After I left for my visit with, I bawled right in front or someone It hurt me so bad that you didn't get a lot of visitors and that you were extremely depressed after your husband died five years ago. I hope that wheever you are, you are together with him and happy. Because both of you deserve it. You are a good helpfulcouple and you truly made a difference and changed people's lives. You raised good children as well. Maybe someday I'll see you again and get to know you. Wyho knows?
I LOVE YOu I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
RIP GRANDMA.